My maternity leave starts around 6 tonight. Maternity leave? No work? No commuting? I know most women would be ecstatic - and to a certain extent, the possibility of cooking, napping and resting before Baby Ash arrives makes me ecstatic, too - but I'm a bit terrified.
Why would I be terrified? I'm moving on to a stage in my life that, although desperately wanted, leaves a very longstanding and comfortable routine and reality behind. Work, couple time, seeing friends on a whim - that won't exist anymore. Let me clarify that I'm not in mourning for my old life - I'm beyond excited to start a magnificent journey as a mom - I'm just wondering about the unknown.
What does maternity leave when you've got nobody to take care of yet shape out to be? I had visions of whipping up Bree Van De Kamp-esque meals, taking long walk through the Hertfordshire woods and sleeping in. If I'm honest, I have very little energy for anything beyond short spurts of cooking and cleaning, and forget the sleeping in. Baby Ash has a single-minded schedule of kicking, rib grabbing and bladder bouncing (arguably it's favorite activity) that makes any regular sleep pattern rather difficult. I know, I know - it's preparation for Baby Ash's grand entrance into the world of nighttime feeding and changing - but can Mom get just a bit of rest to build up her stores in advance? It would seem nature has a cruel, alternative agenda to mine.
And what happens to Work Kerstin? I've been working pretty much since I left university, and the notion of unemployment - paid unemployment, in fairness - is a bit daunting. How do I define myself beyond mom after the baby is born? Am I still an account manager, a search engine marketing geek, a speaker? Of course, many women have come before and managed to carve out a delineator between motherhood and careerhood - I'm just wondering how exactly that's done.
I'm sure the answers will come to me soon enough, and that I'll not only be Baby Ash's mommy but a woman with professional ambition and skills that I can still call my very own. When staring at a very different reality, it's hard not to get philosophical about the changes you'll be making in life as you know it. My comfort zone changes today, and for ten weeks I get to define what that is. In ten weeks' time, Baby Ash will define that new reality, and I can't wait.
Roll on January.
